Hollowed

Written on 4-24-2016

To be alone is a numbing pain

Left breathless and unmoved by time

To be abandoned with one’s own thoughts

Making existing in this world obsolete

Wandering aimlessly on many paths

Hollowed out by the sights unseen

All the while reaching out and trying

Grasping at life and failing to hold on

Distance growing at a steady pace

Wanting to something other than pain

Even the happiest of moments are bittersweet

The silver lining of it all is tarnished

Day in and day out

Nothing to do

Just to wait and brood over the unknown

To move forward and slip away from the past

An Open Letter

Written on 1-19-2016

For the hours spent crying and talking to myself

For the scars that I bare on my body and soul

For every ounce of pain I have felt

I am no longer blaming myself

I am tired of being treated like a burden

Then hearing the words, “I love you”

I am tired of being invited

Then being ignored the entire time

I am tired of doing things for others

Only to be knocked down and belittled in every way

I am tired of being questions and prodded

I have nothing left

To say

To give

To do

For anyone but myself

Watered Down

Written on 5-8-2015

Being in the middle of life and what I have,

all I can do is go with the current.

If I try to get out too fast,

I will wash up on the shore.

Day in and day out,

I sit in this vast ocean and wait;

the tide goes down when the world is quiet,

and goes back up when the day is raw.

While I lay here treading water,

I wonder what would happen if I went under...

but then I decide that it won't make things better or worse,

it will just change.

If I had to say anything right now,

it would be, “I'm sorry”.

Not for something I have done

but for the things I never did.

If I could go back in time,

I would be placed at every disaster;

So if I were to go back in time,

I would be exactly where I am now.

I lost my boat a long time ago;

it took in too much water and went under.

So I sit here and wait, not for someone to save me,

but for the water to drift me to the shore.

It Is What It Is

Written on 2-2-2015

Why should I believe or have hope for anything anymore?

Everyday is something else.

I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore.

The people I don't care about hurt me.

The people who are supposed to care about me just end up breaking my heart.

I lock myself in my room so I can avoid this awful world.

In doing so, I am slowly losing all sanity.

But then I ask myself what's worse...

And I would rather be insane and unaware, then be in pain.

So I spend my days as a prisoner, and by night, I'm free.

I don't know what life has in store for me, but so far, it hasn't been to good.

I have suffered from depression since the age of 10.

I have suffered silently with it for many years.

Now, at 19, I'm finally getting help.

But I still wonder if I waited too long.

I know life isn't easy, but is it really supposed to be this hard?

I have a lifetime's worth of sadness and anger, and I haven't even been around that long.

But still, I wake up every morning, and try my best, because that's all I can do.

There are very few people that give me strength to do so, and that number is dropping.

So all I can do now is wait, and maybe in the distant future, I'll have a decent day.

My Life

Written on 11-17-2014

After months, actually years of being trapped in my own mind

After pushing through so much tragedy and pain

After trying to cope with everything life has thrown at me so far

I can no longer be strong, nor do I have the will to be.

I used to try and deal with people, and deal with my surroundings

I used to be able to get through the day without crying

I used to dream about my future, and how I would get there.

But the future never comes, and if it does, is it any better?

I wish I could cry, and be able to show my emotions

But now, I am a silenced, empty shell

I cannot cry anymore, not waste my breath on the things that never change

I do things and agree so I can move the day along

There are a handful of people that I could blame for my demise

The way they handle situations that I had no say in

How I became a prisoner not only in the house, but in my life

How I was used for pointless tasks and spoken down to

I no longer wish to be apart of that, and I don't deserve it

I don't want to live like this anymore, and I'm running out of places to go

I have no peace of mind, nor sanctuary to step back and breathe

I am not trapped in my own mind, but a prisoner of my demise.

Depression

Written on 5-24-2014

No motivation

No energy

Lifeless

Meaningless

Darkness

No matter how much you try

Or how good things are

You still cry every night

No matter how many people care

You still feel alone

There is only you

And even when you think there is another

You are still by yourself

Everything is dark

Your soul becomes hollow

And your body becomes numb

You try not to think

Because the bad thoughts make things worse

And the good ones are just dreams

But even when your mind is empty

Memories still linger

Days pass like the air that used to bring you to life

But you feel like your life is gone

And replaced with nothingness

But with nothingness

Comes pain and sorrow

And it's those feelings that remind you that you're still alive

Reminding you that time will keep going

And with the tiniest shred of hope, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

What is Real?

Written on 12-29-2013

Everything around us

And everything within us

Is not real

We thrive in a never changing

Life and death

Day and night

Love and hate

Nothing stays the same

As nothing stays the same

Most things are just illusions

And stay the same for what feels like eternity

Look at someone

Each day, they will have a smile on their face

And are positive about everything

But are they happy?

They could be, but they may not

Forcing a smile to avoid the questions:

"Are you okay?", "Do you want to talk?"

"Why are you sad?"

What's worse is the answers you get

After giving them an explanation...

"It'll get better" "Everything is going to be okay"

"You're still young, it will get easier"

But they know it won't

Life doesn't get better

And it doesn't get worse

It just changes

The changes that come

Take the weight off your shoulders

And replace them with shackles

It's just different

Which chances the illusion

Nothing is truly there

We create the mirage

That we're not alone

Maybe it softens the blow

Or even helps us sleep at night

But life changes, and is not a circle

It's a straight line, point A to point C

It's up to us to create point B

The Sky's the Limit

Written 7-31-2013

Ever since I was young, I had this fascination -- more like an obsession -- about one day being about to touch the ceiling. The thing that got to me most about this "top" wall, is how it got up there. Now obviously as I got older, I learned that there was no real magic to ceilings, and it was just accepted that they're supposed to be there.

The fascination never left, though.

So, for a while, I would just lie on the floor of my room and stare, for what seemed like hours, at this indoor sky. My attention was held so tightly, and the thoughts that ran through my mind were so far beyond anything I had ever thought about up until that point, and each and every passing thought had to do with this simple, everyday slate that hangs above the indoor population.

Eventually, I began to think about the future, and how cool it would be. There would be flying cars, and moving sidewalks, and I would finally be tall enough to touch that big indoor sky. I always thought that it would be the coolest thing if I could just touch it, even if I could only do so once.

At the ripe old age of 8, I stood up and stretched my arms up as high as they could go, but no luck. I was no where near tall enough to touch this space, not even if I stand on the tips of my toes. So I sat down on my bed, and started to brainstorm about all the ways I could get to the ceiling without any help. This went on for a day or two, and then I gave up for the time being.

A few days went by, and I didn't think much about that huge thing hanging over my head. I woke up, went to school, came home, ate dinner, went to bed, repeat.

Then one day at school, the teacher was asking the class what they wanted to be when they grew up, and when she got to me, I only said three words...

"I don't know."

After making that statement, she walked over to my desk and crouched down, and to be honest, I thought I was in trouble for not having my entire life plan in order at that point. But instead of telling my to think about it and that she would come back to me, she told me something that would stick with me. She smiled, and said, "A lot of kids don't know what they want to do, and it's good that you don't, in a way. When you do decide it's time to pick a path in life, just remember that the sky's the limit!" Then, she stood back up and walked back to the front of the classroom, where she continued with the lesson.

For the rest of the day, I thought about her words, and when I got home, I looked up and quietly said to myself, "the sky's the limit". I giggled softly as I ran up to my room, to lie on the floor like I had done since this interest sparked.

I laid there for about an hour or so before I decided that I needed to stop reaching for this indoor sky, and just wait for myself to grow so I could touch it. I didn't want to be able to reach it at that point, because even though I was young, I realized that I was too young to reach my limit. So, instead of trying to run my fingers across the ceiling, I would stare at it, and wonder what it had in store for me. I would sleep on the floor, and pretend I was sleeping under a [not so] starry sky.

About 10 years later, I am sitting here typing about this short period of time in my life, as I glance up at the ceiling for inspiration, and I still sleep on the floor and pretend to be camping out. But the one thing that makes me truly happy is that even though I'm an adult now, I still cannot touch the ceiling, nor do I want to. I want to know that the skies the limit, and that there is a good foot between the tips of my fingers, and the sky that's inside.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I still have time, and as long as there is space between my hands and the sky, I will always know what my limit is.

I Guess it's Time to Part

Written on 7-20-13

17 going on 18 years

You were always there for me

You held my hand for 15 years

And you still held me close when I cried

But now I guess the alarm clock finally woke me up

The past few months have been full of darkness

But I still had hope that one day

It would get better

Now I know one day will most likely never come

And I'm still waiting for it

I need to see that nothing lasts forever

And as much as it kills me to walk away

From everything we had

It feels like I should

For my misery has hurt you too much

I am pretty much on my own now

Whether you see it or not

Your little baby girl has finally scene past the fairytale

Not everything lasts forever

Unless everyone involved works at it

Like you said...

"It takes two people to make a marriage,

and two people to neglect it, and end it"

The same goes for every relationship in life

Sadly, I never thought we would neglect our bond

But I guess that's how life works...

Nothing truly lasts forever, and everything happens for a reason.

Today

Written on 6-28-13

Today has become the end

Not for me

But for everything around me

Today has shown me that

I stand alone

And that my points become more moot

As the days pass

Today has given me

The dreadful gift of emptiness

Wrapped in grief and sorrow

But most of all

Today has weighed me down

Dragging me to the bottom

Of a bottomless pit of despair

I am alone

For I am the weak link

In the strong chain

I sit and wait

Hoping to wake up

From this awful and dreadful place

But I still lay asleep in this nightmare

The pain from years of built up emotions

Has finally began to eat away at my core

And is savoring every sip of my soul

I know my emotions hold very little value

For what I feel isn't true

What I feel is an opinion

But it's the truth to me

My perception has glared over

Many memories and events

And everything is starting to become a blur

If I could stop it

If I knew how to stop it

I would

But I fear it is too late to pull the break

So today has become the ending

The beginning of the ending

And all I can do is sit here and wait.