Goodbye

Written on 5-1-12

The gap grows larger by the day

And every second that passes

A memory fades

With every moment that is spent

Crying over the past

Present time is wasted

The past should have never been

It should have never existed

But it did

And instead of looking at everyday

As a wonder in itself

I sit here and wish to erase everything

The pain has grown to the point that I barely speak

I can hardly bare the burden of movement

And I find myself holding my breath

But why should I be upset

It was just a game to you

All you did was make up a story

But you never wrote the ending

So lets start off the ending

With how you lied to me

For three days you kept a secret

That you knew would destroy me

But I guess that was your goal

For three whole days you still said

"I love you more than anything" but forgot to add

"but her" to the end

And then you did it

You ended it and not just that

 You blamed me

Well for an hour I still believed that I loved you

And I felt sorry for myself

But then I started to put it all together

You had fallen for her

And you left me

For her

And then funny part

Is that it had always been like this

Every day together was a lie

Now you still deny it

But I know you never cared for me

I was just a place holder

And seven months later

After all is set and done

I finally finished the puzzle

The love that was shared

Was nothing more than

A publicity thing

And now I realize

How stupid I was

A what a jerk you were

But now for the ending of the chapter

This ending of which I have awaited for

And here it is:

"And now that I know the real you

I no longer have a need for you in my life.

You were a regret and a life lesson.

The regret being the whole relationship,

and the life lesson being look for the signs

early on and never fall for an asshole

like you."

So with that being said

And the cover being closed

This is my final goodbye.

The Truth

Written on 4-9-12

All the things you do for her

Everything you never did for me

And at this point it has become obvious

That I was just there to pass time

You never spoke highly of me

Except, not after the first month

And you never wanted to see me

I might as well have been gone

All you do is talk of her

It's like she is your entire world

Sort of like how you said I was your everything

But I should have seen it sooner

I know love is blind

But I had to of been walking in the dark

With a blindfold on

And that's not even the worst part

I was played and lied to

It was like a game

My heart was the piece

And you were the player

I would wait outside for you

Endlessly

And sometimes you wouldn't show

You wouldn't even call to say you couldn't

I was a fool

Because I believe in the one thing

That I should have never gotten involved with

And thing was you

You picked me up so easily

And just as easily dropped me

And left me shattered

But that's just who you are

If I had known this then

It would have never been

And sometimes

I wish it never was

I know this is cruel

But I can't anymore

Stay quiet and tear-filled

And trying to protect you

I can't protect you

Because you didn't protect me

You just threw me away

As soon as you thought you found "true" love

And it's such nonsense that you felt bad

And that you were sorry

Because if you truly were

You would stop dragging me around

But I guess that is partially my fault as well

Because I foolishly believed you and your lies

The whole time you deceived me

And I just don't understand it

Actually what I really don't understand

Is why I fell so hard for you

And even after you left a whole in my chest

I still feel like I owe you

And with that in mind

I realize that I don't

Never have and never will

You hurt me

And the worst part of it all

Is that I still care

And I enjoy that we're still close

But I keep all of this in mind

Subconsciously I guess I still believe

That at one point in time we were happy

But outside of that detonated space

I know the truth.

The truth is that you lied

And you can never

Ever change that.

Reality

Written on 2-25-12

Those moments

When you realize

Just how stupid you were

And you can't help

But to laugh

Cry

And die a little

How every touch

Feels like the edge

Of a piece of paper

Dull

But at the same time

Sending chills

Throughout your body

Every tear that falls

Every cut that was made

Every sleepless night

The way every area in your life

Is the same

Empty with everything there

Cold with slight warmth

Time seems to have stopped

Even though everyone

Has kept moving

Closing your eyes

For just a second

Could turn into

Never seeing the colors

That don't exist

In this world

In your world

Everything falls apart

Nothing is real

Everyone is just a slur

For every starless sky

For every dance not had

For every heart without a beat

For every bird with broken wings

For every promise never kept

For every love that was lost

And forgotten

The sky that never got a chance to shine

Never had a chance to shine one light

On one single soul

That lingered in aimless circles below

Wandering in the dark

That would never have the night's light

As if it was never there

The dance that was never had

All the music was destroyed

And all the people deaf and mute

A beatless heart

That sat in a broken ribcage

Vulnerable to everything

That could no longer hurt it

Nor be sought out to broken

It was gone

Crumbling and becoming dust

The bird that sat in a home

Of sticks and grass blades

Would always be alone

No one would come

To mend the broken wings

So the poor soul

Could fly away

Promises that are never kept

They are never meant to be kept

Only to be given away and broken

But beyond this world

Going deep into a crevice

Burrow down into it

Until it is an entrance

And enter the doorway

To immediately forget

Every bit of love ever had

For in this world

Nothing is real

Everyone is a projection

Of your mind's need for others

Sound is just everything slipping away

This life could never exist for it is merely a figment

Of something that was never meant to be.

Fading

Written on 1-12-12

Tears cried

Blood shed

Hair fallen

Time wasted

Soul gone

The pain that was caused

Had such an effect

No one cared though

No one cared that she had cried

Or cut

Or was losing hair

Or wasting away

Or lost

She started to realize

That no one was the reason

For her pain

She was alone

No friends to make her laugh

No love to beat her heart

No good to rid the bad

No light in her darkest hour

But she figured

That that's how it's

Supposed to be

She thought she was meant

To be used

Their happiness came

From her pain

She was apathetic towards this

As she grew sadder and lonesome

The people that used to care

Left and became happy

She thought she caused it

Their pain

And she thought that them leaving

Was so they were happy

She thought it was just

But even so she question

If they were unhappy

Why would they have just left

She pondered endlessly

Becoming more depressed

She couldn't cry

Or speak

Or even have energy to awaken

This went unnoticed

By everyone that had cared

But now, it didn't matter

Her reality had morphed

From okay to hopeless

She thought she had no point

If she hurt others

Then she should hurt herself

Others had no problem hurting her

She just needed to do what they did

Lie, manipulate, curse, and hate

She started doing just that

She was cutting and burning

She wouldn't eat

She would call herself terrible things

All just to understand

But after awhile she didn't

She didn't understand anything

Not life, and not herself

In all of the pain

She had lost herself

She had lost her friends

And had lost her emotions

And thoughts

Upon realizing this

She was to lost to see

Or care about it

She didn't care if she was hurt

Only if others were

And she would blame their pain

On herself

And hurt herself even more

When she would be seen

No one recognized her

She was gone

Her soul was hollow

Her skin became pale

Her eyes dull

And for the most part

She had become mute

She was gone

No one cared

But she was gone

Even through her departure

They still talked

And hurt

And cursed

No one saw what they caused

But no one cared

They thought it was better

She thought it was better

She had never stopped changing

Until one day she couldn't

She had saw herself as dead for too long

That her thoughts took a hold of her heart

And stopped it

Stopped the beating

Stopped the blood

Stopped her life.

Ponder For Me, If You Will

Written on 1-6-12

It was a run

No exact distance

But we are now two

You no longer had a want

For our love

For a time I was alone

By myself

Left in the dark

But then I moved on

To someone that made me smile again

You were told of this

And you are now saddened

For I am no longer waiting

Sitting in the musty pit

I am no longer attached

For now I am left torn

Between what I know

And what is yet to be discovered

I want to be yours

But you aren't ready

Maybe down the path

You and I will be us again

But for now

We are close friends

Caring ones, too

I still cry over memories

I'm not sure if you do

But I know you think about it

The way it was

How I was one-of-a-kind

The sad part is that I still think

And wish to go back

But I just can't

Not here

Not now

I knew I had to let go

When I found out that

You told her

How much you wanted to be with her

Before we even parted

That's what hurt the most

The day of lies

You told me you loved me

You told me that I was yours forever

But it stopped just like that

You even still treated me good

As if I were still yours

But then you just stopped

Out of nowhere

You couldn't even hold me

That is when I knew it was over

Scene faded, curtains fell

And after you left that day

I fell to my knees and cried

For hours, awake and asleep

 The tears that fell and are falling

Don't even come close

To the amount of pain I have

Nothing can come close

To the way you broke my heart

The deepest trenches known to man

To not come close to the cuts in heart

Dust in the wind could never touch upon

My fading soul

A power outage is not to my dead thoughts

I am beyond lost

But you keep telling me it will be okay

I just don't understand why

If you still love me,

Why don't you want me?

That is all I want to know

Whether the answer is long or short

Or the question needs to be explained

I just want to know

Why you still see my spirit as "love".