What is Real?

Written on 12-29-2013

Everything around us

And everything within us

Is not real

We thrive in a never changing

Life and death

Day and night

Love and hate

Nothing stays the same

As nothing stays the same

Most things are just illusions

And stay the same for what feels like eternity

Look at someone

Each day, they will have a smile on their face

And are positive about everything

But are they happy?

They could be, but they may not

Forcing a smile to avoid the questions:

"Are you okay?", "Do you want to talk?"

"Why are you sad?"

What's worse is the answers you get

After giving them an explanation...

"It'll get better" "Everything is going to be okay"

"You're still young, it will get easier"

But they know it won't

Life doesn't get better

And it doesn't get worse

It just changes

The changes that come

Take the weight off your shoulders

And replace them with shackles

It's just different

Which chances the illusion

Nothing is truly there

We create the mirage

That we're not alone

Maybe it softens the blow

Or even helps us sleep at night

But life changes, and is not a circle

It's a straight line, point A to point C

It's up to us to create point B

The Sky's the Limit

Written 7-31-2013

Ever since I was young, I had this fascination -- more like an obsession -- about one day being about to touch the ceiling. The thing that got to me most about this "top" wall, is how it got up there. Now obviously as I got older, I learned that there was no real magic to ceilings, and it was just accepted that they're supposed to be there.

The fascination never left, though.

So, for a while, I would just lie on the floor of my room and stare, for what seemed like hours, at this indoor sky. My attention was held so tightly, and the thoughts that ran through my mind were so far beyond anything I had ever thought about up until that point, and each and every passing thought had to do with this simple, everyday slate that hangs above the indoor population.

Eventually, I began to think about the future, and how cool it would be. There would be flying cars, and moving sidewalks, and I would finally be tall enough to touch that big indoor sky. I always thought that it would be the coolest thing if I could just touch it, even if I could only do so once.

At the ripe old age of 8, I stood up and stretched my arms up as high as they could go, but no luck. I was no where near tall enough to touch this space, not even if I stand on the tips of my toes. So I sat down on my bed, and started to brainstorm about all the ways I could get to the ceiling without any help. This went on for a day or two, and then I gave up for the time being.

A few days went by, and I didn't think much about that huge thing hanging over my head. I woke up, went to school, came home, ate dinner, went to bed, repeat.

Then one day at school, the teacher was asking the class what they wanted to be when they grew up, and when she got to me, I only said three words...

"I don't know."

After making that statement, she walked over to my desk and crouched down, and to be honest, I thought I was in trouble for not having my entire life plan in order at that point. But instead of telling my to think about it and that she would come back to me, she told me something that would stick with me. She smiled, and said, "A lot of kids don't know what they want to do, and it's good that you don't, in a way. When you do decide it's time to pick a path in life, just remember that the sky's the limit!" Then, she stood back up and walked back to the front of the classroom, where she continued with the lesson.

For the rest of the day, I thought about her words, and when I got home, I looked up and quietly said to myself, "the sky's the limit". I giggled softly as I ran up to my room, to lie on the floor like I had done since this interest sparked.

I laid there for about an hour or so before I decided that I needed to stop reaching for this indoor sky, and just wait for myself to grow so I could touch it. I didn't want to be able to reach it at that point, because even though I was young, I realized that I was too young to reach my limit. So, instead of trying to run my fingers across the ceiling, I would stare at it, and wonder what it had in store for me. I would sleep on the floor, and pretend I was sleeping under a [not so] starry sky.

About 10 years later, I am sitting here typing about this short period of time in my life, as I glance up at the ceiling for inspiration, and I still sleep on the floor and pretend to be camping out. But the one thing that makes me truly happy is that even though I'm an adult now, I still cannot touch the ceiling, nor do I want to. I want to know that the skies the limit, and that there is a good foot between the tips of my fingers, and the sky that's inside.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I still have time, and as long as there is space between my hands and the sky, I will always know what my limit is.

I Guess it's Time to Part

Written on 7-20-13

17 going on 18 years

You were always there for me

You held my hand for 15 years

And you still held me close when I cried

But now I guess the alarm clock finally woke me up

The past few months have been full of darkness

But I still had hope that one day

It would get better

Now I know one day will most likely never come

And I'm still waiting for it

I need to see that nothing lasts forever

And as much as it kills me to walk away

From everything we had

It feels like I should

For my misery has hurt you too much

I am pretty much on my own now

Whether you see it or not

Your little baby girl has finally scene past the fairytale

Not everything lasts forever

Unless everyone involved works at it

Like you said...

"It takes two people to make a marriage,

and two people to neglect it, and end it"

The same goes for every relationship in life

Sadly, I never thought we would neglect our bond

But I guess that's how life works...

Nothing truly lasts forever, and everything happens for a reason.

Today

Written on 6-28-13

Today has become the end

Not for me

But for everything around me

Today has shown me that

I stand alone

And that my points become more moot

As the days pass

Today has given me

The dreadful gift of emptiness

Wrapped in grief and sorrow

But most of all

Today has weighed me down

Dragging me to the bottom

Of a bottomless pit of despair

I am alone

For I am the weak link

In the strong chain

I sit and wait

Hoping to wake up

From this awful and dreadful place

But I still lay asleep in this nightmare

The pain from years of built up emotions

Has finally began to eat away at my core

And is savoring every sip of my soul

I know my emotions hold very little value

For what I feel isn't true

What I feel is an opinion

But it's the truth to me

My perception has glared over

Many memories and events

And everything is starting to become a blur

If I could stop it

If I knew how to stop it

I would

But I fear it is too late to pull the break

So today has become the ending

The beginning of the ending

And all I can do is sit here and wait.

♥

Written on 6-14-2013

Even though we are young

And everyone sees us as kids

The love we share is just as important

And strong as anyone else that has what we have

One thing that is more important

Than the love we share

Is trust.

Love comes with trust

It's a package deal

And I think we're doing amazing

But something else that comes with love

Is jealousy

Jealousy is a terrible thing

But at one point or another

Jealousy can become so strong

That it's unavoidable.

But the thing is

I will always get jealous

To most girls, all girls are a threat

But in this situation

It's one in particular

This girl drives me up to the highest peak

And suffocates me

Until she goes to bed

I don't think I'm wrong to be jealous

Not in this instance

I love and trust you more than anything

But I wouldn't trust her with the oxygen around her

It hurts to see her look at you

The way I look at you

Even though her looks are a failed attempt

I keep in mind that you are my forever

And that nothing will get in the way of that

But the mere thought of her

Her pure, dense ignorance and how she disrespects me

Drives me insane

But then once the green fog

Stops cluttering my mind

I remember that I love you

And that will never change

Because even though she looks at you

The same way I look at you

You look at me that way, and not her

She can make hearts for you

And tell you that she loves you

She can flirt with you in front of me

I will let her do what she pleases

I will no longer stand in the way of her petty attempts

But I will no longer stand in the way

Because I'm standing in the way of nothing

Instead I will stand before you

And hold your hands

I will hold you closer than anyone

In my heart and arms

I will makes hearts for you

And I will always flirt with you

And most importantly, I will tell you that I love you

So I will let her do what she wants

Because after writing all of this

I'm starting to see that it's actually quite funny

And that she's not a threat

I will still keep a watchful eye though

Because who would I be if I didn't?

I wouldn't be very good at my position, now would I?

I will always care and love for you

No matter what comes our way

No one will separate us

And once we're holding each other, I'm not letting go

As for her, she can hit the road.

Your Baby Girl

Written on 4-9-13

Today, she takes her first steps

And tomorrow, her first word

But wait

That was long ago

Your baby girl is grown now

Today, your baby girl sits quiet

She sits alone

In her late teens

She has little family left

And little strength to go on

Today, your baby girl realizes

All mistake can hurt

But they can be reversed

They aren't permanent

She is strong

Yesterday, your baby girl cried

Saddened from the losses

That had struck her life

But today, she has grown wiser

She has gone above

Tomorrow, your baby girl may succeed

But she may not

But she will have a tomorrow

And her curiosity over-powers the fear

As she strides on

Your baby girl is not the toddler

Nor the kid, or teen you knew

For this baby girl is a young woman

Though tears may fall, and blankets still comfort

She has grown.

You may think,

"It was like it was yesterday"

But you need to think

"She has grown, and she grew

from what yesterday had bestowed"

Today, your baby girl is on a path

This path she chose herself

And even though she is no long

The baby girl you knew

She's the baby girl you have to know

Now, your baby girl thinks ahead

Looking to a bright future

That is to be a clean slate

This thought gives her hope

And her lost dreams a heart beat

Look at your baby girl

Tell her you care, that you love her

And hold her close

For she will be taking her first steps again

But these ones, she will be taking alone

At this moment, your baby girl smiles

She wipes the tears from her eyes

She gets up, and brushes herself off

For, your baby girl has found inner strength

And this strength is brought upon

From what her future beholds.

A Dying Soul

Written on  4-6-2013

As I sit here sunken

Deep in boroughs of thought

Waiting in the silence

Unaccompanied by no one

But a gloomy presence

The knowledge of abhorrence lurks

All that is left is a blank stare

And a broken soul

Heart beats slower

With every passing moment

Frozen by every recollection

Time is nonexistent now

Much like the life refrained

This experience become deadly

To whatever wholesomeness is left

Becoming colder with every shallow breath

Laying down on the floor

After a hardened look in the mirror

It sets in

And the final thought is

Nothing can be brought back

The floor shall be the resting space

For whatever is left

Time is nonexistent

So it is no longer the threat.

Goodbye

Written on 5-1-12

The gap grows larger by the day

And every second that passes

A memory fades

With every moment that is spent

Crying over the past

Present time is wasted

The past should have never been

It should have never existed

But it did

And instead of looking at everyday

As a wonder in itself

I sit here and wish to erase everything

The pain has grown to the point that I barely speak

I can hardly bare the burden of movement

And I find myself holding my breath

But why should I be upset

It was just a game to you

All you did was make up a story

But you never wrote the ending

So lets start off the ending

With how you lied to me

For three days you kept a secret

That you knew would destroy me

But I guess that was your goal

For three whole days you still said

"I love you more than anything" but forgot to add

"but her" to the end

And then you did it

You ended it and not just that

 You blamed me

Well for an hour I still believed that I loved you

And I felt sorry for myself

But then I started to put it all together

You had fallen for her

And you left me

For her

And then funny part

Is that it had always been like this

Every day together was a lie

Now you still deny it

But I know you never cared for me

I was just a place holder

And seven months later

After all is set and done

I finally finished the puzzle

The love that was shared

Was nothing more than

A publicity thing

And now I realize

How stupid I was

A what a jerk you were

But now for the ending of the chapter

This ending of which I have awaited for

And here it is:

"And now that I know the real you

I no longer have a need for you in my life.

You were a regret and a life lesson.

The regret being the whole relationship,

and the life lesson being look for the signs

early on and never fall for an asshole

like you."

So with that being said

And the cover being closed

This is my final goodbye.

The Truth

Written on 4-9-12

All the things you do for her

Everything you never did for me

And at this point it has become obvious

That I was just there to pass time

You never spoke highly of me

Except, not after the first month

And you never wanted to see me

I might as well have been gone

All you do is talk of her

It's like she is your entire world

Sort of like how you said I was your everything

But I should have seen it sooner

I know love is blind

But I had to of been walking in the dark

With a blindfold on

And that's not even the worst part

I was played and lied to

It was like a game

My heart was the piece

And you were the player

I would wait outside for you

Endlessly

And sometimes you wouldn't show

You wouldn't even call to say you couldn't

I was a fool

Because I believe in the one thing

That I should have never gotten involved with

And thing was you

You picked me up so easily

And just as easily dropped me

And left me shattered

But that's just who you are

If I had known this then

It would have never been

And sometimes

I wish it never was

I know this is cruel

But I can't anymore

Stay quiet and tear-filled

And trying to protect you

I can't protect you

Because you didn't protect me

You just threw me away

As soon as you thought you found "true" love

And it's such nonsense that you felt bad

And that you were sorry

Because if you truly were

You would stop dragging me around

But I guess that is partially my fault as well

Because I foolishly believed you and your lies

The whole time you deceived me

And I just don't understand it

Actually what I really don't understand

Is why I fell so hard for you

And even after you left a whole in my chest

I still feel like I owe you

And with that in mind

I realize that I don't

Never have and never will

You hurt me

And the worst part of it all

Is that I still care

And I enjoy that we're still close

But I keep all of this in mind

Subconsciously I guess I still believe

That at one point in time we were happy

But outside of that detonated space

I know the truth.

The truth is that you lied

And you can never

Ever change that.

Reality

Written on 2-25-12

Those moments

When you realize

Just how stupid you were

And you can't help

But to laugh

Cry

And die a little

How every touch

Feels like the edge

Of a piece of paper

Dull

But at the same time

Sending chills

Throughout your body

Every tear that falls

Every cut that was made

Every sleepless night

The way every area in your life

Is the same

Empty with everything there

Cold with slight warmth

Time seems to have stopped

Even though everyone

Has kept moving

Closing your eyes

For just a second

Could turn into

Never seeing the colors

That don't exist

In this world

In your world

Everything falls apart

Nothing is real

Everyone is just a slur

For every starless sky

For every dance not had

For every heart without a beat

For every bird with broken wings

For every promise never kept

For every love that was lost

And forgotten

The sky that never got a chance to shine

Never had a chance to shine one light

On one single soul

That lingered in aimless circles below

Wandering in the dark

That would never have the night's light

As if it was never there

The dance that was never had

All the music was destroyed

And all the people deaf and mute

A beatless heart

That sat in a broken ribcage

Vulnerable to everything

That could no longer hurt it

Nor be sought out to broken

It was gone

Crumbling and becoming dust

The bird that sat in a home

Of sticks and grass blades

Would always be alone

No one would come

To mend the broken wings

So the poor soul

Could fly away

Promises that are never kept

They are never meant to be kept

Only to be given away and broken

But beyond this world

Going deep into a crevice

Burrow down into it

Until it is an entrance

And enter the doorway

To immediately forget

Every bit of love ever had

For in this world

Nothing is real

Everyone is a projection

Of your mind's need for others

Sound is just everything slipping away

This life could never exist for it is merely a figment

Of something that was never meant to be.