Reality

Written on 2-25-12

Those moments

When you realize

Just how stupid you were

And you can't help

But to laugh

Cry

And die a little

How every touch

Feels like the edge

Of a piece of paper

Dull

But at the same time

Sending chills

Throughout your body

Every tear that falls

Every cut that was made

Every sleepless night

The way every area in your life

Is the same

Empty with everything there

Cold with slight warmth

Time seems to have stopped

Even though everyone

Has kept moving

Closing your eyes

For just a second

Could turn into

Never seeing the colors

That don't exist

In this world

In your world

Everything falls apart

Nothing is real

Everyone is just a slur

For every starless sky

For every dance not had

For every heart without a beat

For every bird with broken wings

For every promise never kept

For every love that was lost

And forgotten

The sky that never got a chance to shine

Never had a chance to shine one light

On one single soul

That lingered in aimless circles below

Wandering in the dark

That would never have the night's light

As if it was never there

The dance that was never had

All the music was destroyed

And all the people deaf and mute

A beatless heart

That sat in a broken ribcage

Vulnerable to everything

That could no longer hurt it

Nor be sought out to broken

It was gone

Crumbling and becoming dust

The bird that sat in a home

Of sticks and grass blades

Would always be alone

No one would come

To mend the broken wings

So the poor soul

Could fly away

Promises that are never kept

They are never meant to be kept

Only to be given away and broken

But beyond this world

Going deep into a crevice

Burrow down into it

Until it is an entrance

And enter the doorway

To immediately forget

Every bit of love ever had

For in this world

Nothing is real

Everyone is a projection

Of your mind's need for others

Sound is just everything slipping away

This life could never exist for it is merely a figment

Of something that was never meant to be.

Fading

Written on 1-12-12

Tears cried

Blood shed

Hair fallen

Time wasted

Soul gone

The pain that was caused

Had such an effect

No one cared though

No one cared that she had cried

Or cut

Or was losing hair

Or wasting away

Or lost

She started to realize

That no one was the reason

For her pain

She was alone

No friends to make her laugh

No love to beat her heart

No good to rid the bad

No light in her darkest hour

But she figured

That that's how it's

Supposed to be

She thought she was meant

To be used

Their happiness came

From her pain

She was apathetic towards this

As she grew sadder and lonesome

The people that used to care

Left and became happy

She thought she caused it

Their pain

And she thought that them leaving

Was so they were happy

She thought it was just

But even so she question

If they were unhappy

Why would they have just left

She pondered endlessly

Becoming more depressed

She couldn't cry

Or speak

Or even have energy to awaken

This went unnoticed

By everyone that had cared

But now, it didn't matter

Her reality had morphed

From okay to hopeless

She thought she had no point

If she hurt others

Then she should hurt herself

Others had no problem hurting her

She just needed to do what they did

Lie, manipulate, curse, and hate

She started doing just that

She was cutting and burning

She wouldn't eat

She would call herself terrible things

All just to understand

But after awhile she didn't

She didn't understand anything

Not life, and not herself

In all of the pain

She had lost herself

She had lost her friends

And had lost her emotions

And thoughts

Upon realizing this

She was to lost to see

Or care about it

She didn't care if she was hurt

Only if others were

And she would blame their pain

On herself

And hurt herself even more

When she would be seen

No one recognized her

She was gone

Her soul was hollow

Her skin became pale

Her eyes dull

And for the most part

She had become mute

She was gone

No one cared

But she was gone

Even through her departure

They still talked

And hurt

And cursed

No one saw what they caused

But no one cared

They thought it was better

She thought it was better

She had never stopped changing

Until one day she couldn't

She had saw herself as dead for too long

That her thoughts took a hold of her heart

And stopped it

Stopped the beating

Stopped the blood

Stopped her life.

Ponder For Me, If You Will

Written on 1-6-12

It was a run

No exact distance

But we are now two

You no longer had a want

For our love

For a time I was alone

By myself

Left in the dark

But then I moved on

To someone that made me smile again

You were told of this

And you are now saddened

For I am no longer waiting

Sitting in the musty pit

I am no longer attached

For now I am left torn

Between what I know

And what is yet to be discovered

I want to be yours

But you aren't ready

Maybe down the path

You and I will be us again

But for now

We are close friends

Caring ones, too

I still cry over memories

I'm not sure if you do

But I know you think about it

The way it was

How I was one-of-a-kind

The sad part is that I still think

And wish to go back

But I just can't

Not here

Not now

I knew I had to let go

When I found out that

You told her

How much you wanted to be with her

Before we even parted

That's what hurt the most

The day of lies

You told me you loved me

You told me that I was yours forever

But it stopped just like that

You even still treated me good

As if I were still yours

But then you just stopped

Out of nowhere

You couldn't even hold me

That is when I knew it was over

Scene faded, curtains fell

And after you left that day

I fell to my knees and cried

For hours, awake and asleep

 The tears that fell and are falling

Don't even come close

To the amount of pain I have

Nothing can come close

To the way you broke my heart

The deepest trenches known to man

To not come close to the cuts in heart

Dust in the wind could never touch upon

My fading soul

A power outage is not to my dead thoughts

I am beyond lost

But you keep telling me it will be okay

I just don't understand why

If you still love me,

Why don't you want me?

That is all I want to know

Whether the answer is long or short

Or the question needs to be explained

I just want to know

Why you still see my spirit as "love".

Paths

Written from 12-10-11 to 12-19-11

Step by step
Day by night
Straight downhill
On pavement

Just cracked pavement
Streetlights blow out
One by one
Some shatter in the case

Others just go out
But still don't shine bright
Dark and open space
With turns left and right

With every step
Something from behind fades
But the option to turn back
Is nonexistent

In an effort to keep moving forward
Falling to the ground
Tears falling
Trying to forget the past

One look behind
Nothing is seen
Everything there
Is now gone

Turning forward again
Moving further into the dark
Becoming apart of the scene
Making this the present

Continuing to go ahead
Every single step forward
Is the reminder to forget
And making the past more painful

The present has now become the past
The past being gone
The future unknown and dark
Standing discontinues the process

Erasing and creating
Pointless
At a standstill
Past, Present, Future

Having a whole timeline
At one single point
Creates time to flow
And brings back thoughts

Memories of the past
Thoughts of the future
The present, though
Has nothing

The present has nothing to create
Nothing in motion
Nothing is nothing
Everything is nothing

If to take one step forward
Time will race
And crack
And all will be gone

One step back
Will pull every strand apart
From the nonexistent present and future
And nothing, even nothing, will ever exist

So now trapped
In one nonexistent moment
Nothing to say
Nowhere to go

One more look over
To see that darkness is
Darkness was and darkness will be
The time, or no time, for the rest of all

Window Pane

Written on 12-1-11

Tears falling

Heart breaking

Life has stopped

Time is eliminated

His words full of lies

Her mind full of faith

She believes and hopes

He speaks from thin air

The word "care" is used loosely

Unlike his grip on her soul

She thinks it's love

He knows it's not

Her mind is so lost

He being the mirrored map

She want to believe him so much

That she does

He doesn't realize what he does

To her heart, mind, and soul

But what he does know is this:

She will never leave my side

She stays by him through all

The pain and the laughter

From sunrise to set

The waning and waxing

He stay by her as well

But he doesn't see the pain, only laughter

No dark, but light

He sees her joy, she feels drowned

When the day comes

That she is so broken and lifeless

The day that she defines the living dead

She will have a gaze on her eyes, pale-faced

When that day comes

He will sit there and listen

He will hold her close in comfort

At least that's what she hopes

As she replays the memories

And the words they said

Her eyes tear up

And he is nowhere to be found

He wasn't there at that moment

The one moment she needed to be held

And told that it would be okay

He was not there

So she stood in the rain

For about two hours

So when people saw her

They wouldn't see the pain

He saw her and only saw rain

No tears, or pain

She was cold and hurt

He thought she was okay

If he had only known

She didn't stand there to be thought of as okay

She had come to say goodbye

But no words came out

She remembers that day

The pain she felt then

Was the pain she feels now

And she still hides it

She doesn't like that day

It kills her

Every second of that day

That day and one other

No one knows she's dead

They are blinded by her acts and scenes

She even blinds herself

Blinded and seeing at once

She stares for this reason

Stares and smiles

For she sees that this is a dream

And she wants to wake up

She knows that to wake up

She must fly far away

From the highest peak

To the lowest grounds

This flight will wake her up

And she can go on with her life

She doesn't believe this pain could ever be real

So it can be real, so she thinks

So she thinks of ways she can fly

Dreaming endlessly of waking up

To see the day that shines bright

The day where her pain goes away

She does realize that when she wakes up

The dream will be over and so will the people

But she will be where she belongs

Where she is happy

So from her bed she walks to the window

In her white gown

Still hooked up to the heartless monitor

Opening the window she looks down

She climbs onto the ledge

Pulling the tubes and needles from her body

Her family crying on the body on the bed

She jumps from her high peak to the low ground

The family ready for the declaration of death

They become speechless

The monitor starts to sound

Slow at first, but gets faster

Her eyes open and tears fill them

Everyone cries

She was awaken from the coma

Just from flying

She looks around but is saddened

She doesn't see him

Her love from the dream

Her love from life

The previous day he had died

Death from a broken soul and heart

They were going to pull the plug

And he would rather greet her on the other side

Then say goodbye from behind a glass wall

The family leaves the room to get her nurse

And she rises from the bed and walks to the window

She sees the boys in the reflection and says:

"Why can't I wake up?"

She then jumps out the window to become apart of the reflection

Both of them, together

As it was before

Before he broke her heart

And she slipped into comatose

Before he fell into depression

Because he lost his world

As she had hers taken

But now both worlds are together again

Two loves, one heart, worlds collided

No tears of pain, but sun and laughter.

A Blind Warning

Written on 10-22-11

If there were to be a day that not one tear would fall,

The world would fall silent for no more could be heard.

If there were to be a time where no pain was felt,

Everyone would cover the hole that once held a heart.

If there could be just one kind-hearted soul for every soul hurt,

Pain would be the only thing dripping from the Earth's crust.

"Now wait", you may say. "I am kind. I have a heart. I wipe the tears of the sad and lonely." Well, I'm here to say that you don't. You claim your good deeds as if they were true. You may trick the standard fool and dimwitted, but I see who you are. You are the reason most stay home, others cry, and many become mute. You have brutalized the masses and tricked and claimed the imbeciles as your army to slither around in the cold, hard land in your mind until they become tangled and matted. You are not good, yet manipulate, and you think you are so clever? Was there ever a day that you felt that you could say, "Instead of being a mangy, disgusting mutt, maybe, just maybe, I could pick up my act and do good of what I have done wrong."? Only a cruel, stubborn, incoherent, twit such as yourself could hold so much power over the followers and conforming idiots of this unfortunate rock that we inhabit. So, sine you probably couldn't follow, I am saying that you may have the power over the slow and the half-wits, but the population and previous generations that use more than one brain cell will not follow or listen, or even give you the time of day. Have fun with your pathetic, meaningless, life. Or should I say lifeless?

Light of Death

Written on 10-15-11

When you walked out of my life

I thought I was done for sure

But now that I have got you back

I will close and lock the door

For, you see, first come first serve

And you are my number one

So for now you will be mine

And, we, forever more

I will care for you endlessly

And be here till we part

But when we part, I will not stand

Instead, I'll fall apart

I'll fall down and stand and fall again

Until I get up no more

For I have no crutch or pedestal

To be placed on anymore.

Chest Pains

Even though love is not created by the heart, there is a cavity in my chest where it once lived. It broke out of its prison of kisses and walking in the rain and comfort and it sits in the tree weeping like a willow. It then jumps from the branch and lies at the bottom of the trunk. Beating slower and slower, sadder and unable to accept, it beats one more time, as to say,

"I love you, where did I go wrong?

I tried my best to be perfect.

I just want to make you happy.

But then you didn't want me.

You broke me.

Some say time heals all wounds.

But time wounds all heals"

As I run over, stumbling over each foot as i step, I fall to my knees and cry. My tears bring out a few more beats that in words,

"Do not cry, do not be sad.

I am at fault.

I tried so hard, but not hard enough.

But now you have nothing to worry about.

As I fade, so will your tears."

I begged and pleated it to stay and that I will do better, that it wasn't its fault. I would hold it when I could and that it could freed from its prison. I sat there crying, declaring my love for my heart. But it wasn't enough... I wasn't enough. It said,

"I will live again.

If I'm supposed to beat for you,

then I will be back.

But if not, then I will fade along with the feeling."

I could barely breathe and as I became weaker and weaker, my heart laid at the bottom of the tree, I drifted away. My heart made me feel more alive than I had ever felt, and now I am slowly dying. Dying from depression, and because I lost the one thing keeping me alive. I lost my heart. I loved it more than the stars in the skies and the sand on the beach. But just remember, my heart left me. I didn't rip it out of my chest and walk away. I even went after it. It wasn't the heart who wasn't enough, it was me. My heart didn't want to keep me breathing nor have a pulse. I have become heartless and a broken who will wonder this blackened orb we call earth until I find someone who can find me a donor. My first heart will never come back, and I will not recover for a long time.
~Sigh~ Goodbye my heart. I never thought we would part, but if our paths cross again, then fate is more cruel to my emotions than the cruelty I faced that day.

Dear Someone

Written from 9-3-11 to 11-14-11

She walks into the wood-paneled room and goes to sit in the rocking chair by the window. Shades are tattered, knitted blanket upon her lap. The window open with the shades drawn back, with the warmth of the sun peering in just as it disappears over the horizon. Looking into the the purple and orange sky, she lights a candle and reaches for a pen a her journal from an old wooden side table. She opens the cover, writes "52" in the corner of the page, and begins to write:

"Oh, how my words and love can fall so easily

on to the pages of this book, but I become mute

as soon as you say hi. How I want to let my heart

pour into your hands and my emotions be held in

your palms. But, even so, would you care to take

my hand, my life, me, on this ride, into the field of

wheat? The wheat and grasses that grow so tall

sway so graceful in the wind? How I wish my

vocal chords would strum in tune and play such

sweet melodies when you were around. The stopping

emotion of shyness and slight fear has prevented sweet

music and replaces it with sharp glass stabbing the eardrum.

If you are to see this before I leave, please stop me if your

heart leaps, and flee me if not so. I will wait the dreaded 7-day

toll for your response. Farewell."

She then gets up from her chair and closes the window. Blowing out the candle, which has melted about half way down, she walks over to her bed and lays down. Closing her eyes, she thinks to herself, "He will never see those notes". She then drifts into a deep sleep until the sun rises again.

To Define Love

Written on 8-4-11

Love is deep

Deeper than any crevice

Any hole that has been dug

Than any pore upon thy skin

It is the highest your life can be

Higher than any mountain peak

Than any star in the sky

Love is an emotion of the mind

Yes, both of them feel it

But it is just a label of feelings

It's just a word

But a very powerful one at that

Saying, "I love you" can start and end many things

Too early, it could blow out the candle

Too late, one might think it was never really there

But there is never and always a right time for love

One may think love is the words of weakness

It pulls them in, and then slowly devours life

And then breaks...

Shattering on the ground

Mixed with tears and moans of sorrow

Then another might think that love is strength

The stitches of a relationship

But even stitchwork comes undone

No matter how well the seamstress

Love comes to grow old and die out

To pour water on a forest fire of emotions

And to be left in the dark, alone

But then another comes along

And this one is good

Stable, honest, witty, strong

And then that word come in

"Love"

Deep, passionately, close-holding love

And then two souls lost again

Lost in theirs eyes

Their lives

Their hearts

There is no pain, but passion

Bound so tightly, it will never fall apart

Even in a bed of death, the candle wax melts

To the heat of an everlasting flame

Never to be put out

Even after the souls depart from what is called life

But love is truely living

It lives on into the night

And then day

Love has its ways of coming and going

But then it will find a home

In the breath of two

And it will settle down

And deem their lives its own.