Light of Death

Written on 10-15-11

When you walked out of my life

I thought I was done for sure

But now that I have got you back

I will close and lock the door

For, you see, first come first serve

And you are my number one

So for now you will be mine

And, we, forever more

I will care for you endlessly

And be here till we part

But when we part, I will not stand

Instead, I'll fall apart

I'll fall down and stand and fall again

Until I get up no more

For I have no crutch or pedestal

To be placed on anymore.

Chest Pains

Even though love is not created by the heart, there is a cavity in my chest where it once lived. It broke out of its prison of kisses and walking in the rain and comfort and it sits in the tree weeping like a willow. It then jumps from the branch and lies at the bottom of the trunk. Beating slower and slower, sadder and unable to accept, it beats one more time, as to say,

"I love you, where did I go wrong?

I tried my best to be perfect.

I just want to make you happy.

But then you didn't want me.

You broke me.

Some say time heals all wounds.

But time wounds all heals"

As I run over, stumbling over each foot as i step, I fall to my knees and cry. My tears bring out a few more beats that in words,

"Do not cry, do not be sad.

I am at fault.

I tried so hard, but not hard enough.

But now you have nothing to worry about.

As I fade, so will your tears."

I begged and pleated it to stay and that I will do better, that it wasn't its fault. I would hold it when I could and that it could freed from its prison. I sat there crying, declaring my love for my heart. But it wasn't enough... I wasn't enough. It said,

"I will live again.

If I'm supposed to beat for you,

then I will be back.

But if not, then I will fade along with the feeling."

I could barely breathe and as I became weaker and weaker, my heart laid at the bottom of the tree, I drifted away. My heart made me feel more alive than I had ever felt, and now I am slowly dying. Dying from depression, and because I lost the one thing keeping me alive. I lost my heart. I loved it more than the stars in the skies and the sand on the beach. But just remember, my heart left me. I didn't rip it out of my chest and walk away. I even went after it. It wasn't the heart who wasn't enough, it was me. My heart didn't want to keep me breathing nor have a pulse. I have become heartless and a broken who will wonder this blackened orb we call earth until I find someone who can find me a donor. My first heart will never come back, and I will not recover for a long time.
~Sigh~ Goodbye my heart. I never thought we would part, but if our paths cross again, then fate is more cruel to my emotions than the cruelty I faced that day.

Dear Someone

Written from 9-3-11 to 11-14-11

She walks into the wood-paneled room and goes to sit in the rocking chair by the window. Shades are tattered, knitted blanket upon her lap. The window open with the shades drawn back, with the warmth of the sun peering in just as it disappears over the horizon. Looking into the the purple and orange sky, she lights a candle and reaches for a pen a her journal from an old wooden side table. She opens the cover, writes "52" in the corner of the page, and begins to write:

"Oh, how my words and love can fall so easily

on to the pages of this book, but I become mute

as soon as you say hi. How I want to let my heart

pour into your hands and my emotions be held in

your palms. But, even so, would you care to take

my hand, my life, me, on this ride, into the field of

wheat? The wheat and grasses that grow so tall

sway so graceful in the wind? How I wish my

vocal chords would strum in tune and play such

sweet melodies when you were around. The stopping

emotion of shyness and slight fear has prevented sweet

music and replaces it with sharp glass stabbing the eardrum.

If you are to see this before I leave, please stop me if your

heart leaps, and flee me if not so. I will wait the dreaded 7-day

toll for your response. Farewell."

She then gets up from her chair and closes the window. Blowing out the candle, which has melted about half way down, she walks over to her bed and lays down. Closing her eyes, she thinks to herself, "He will never see those notes". She then drifts into a deep sleep until the sun rises again.

To Define Love

Written on 8-4-11

Love is deep

Deeper than any crevice

Any hole that has been dug

Than any pore upon thy skin

It is the highest your life can be

Higher than any mountain peak

Than any star in the sky

Love is an emotion of the mind

Yes, both of them feel it

But it is just a label of feelings

It's just a word

But a very powerful one at that

Saying, "I love you" can start and end many things

Too early, it could blow out the candle

Too late, one might think it was never really there

But there is never and always a right time for love

One may think love is the words of weakness

It pulls them in, and then slowly devours life

And then breaks...

Shattering on the ground

Mixed with tears and moans of sorrow

Then another might think that love is strength

The stitches of a relationship

But even stitchwork comes undone

No matter how well the seamstress

Love comes to grow old and die out

To pour water on a forest fire of emotions

And to be left in the dark, alone

But then another comes along

And this one is good

Stable, honest, witty, strong

And then that word come in

"Love"

Deep, passionately, close-holding love

And then two souls lost again

Lost in theirs eyes

Their lives

Their hearts

There is no pain, but passion

Bound so tightly, it will never fall apart

Even in a bed of death, the candle wax melts

To the heat of an everlasting flame

Never to be put out

Even after the souls depart from what is called life

But love is truely living

It lives on into the night

And then day

Love has its ways of coming and going

But then it will find a home

In the breath of two

And it will settle down

And deem their lives its own.

Ending Monologue

Written on 3-29-11

And as she lies on her death bed in her cream colored gown, eyes paled grey and hair as white as the walls she painted her room years before, her final thoughts are:

“My life has been filled with many hopes and dreams

and I can’t help but wonder why I still feel so empty.

I’ve had many known ones come in and reminisce about

the times that I had with them. Then they would say their

goodbyes and left the room with tear-filled eyes looking

back at me. All wanting me to be able to pull through but

I know that won’t happen, as do they know, too. But the

whole time I was well and living, they didn’t want me, or

so I thought. Never called me one time once I was in this

home. Never even bothered to send a single birthday card

or even visit and check up on me. Now I know that it’s my

time to go, and I have completely accepted that. Maybe in

my next life, the people who will become my family will care

and want me to be around on the holidays. And maybe, just maybe,

they will love me. But not for whom I am, but for the experiences I bring

with me.”

That’s when her only son walked in the room of light. He sat next to the bed and held her hand, looked into her eyes and said, “I’m sorry”. If only he had spoken sooner, for she had died after he had entered. And with tears streaming down his face, he kissed her forehead and went to go tell his kids that they wouldn’t be able to meet their grandmother.

The Gain of Loss

Written on 12-14-10

We should not be in sorrow

When we have a loss

For we had the experience

To enjoy the joy of having.

But we should be sad

At the sight of gain

For it gives us the time

To have and the knowledge of loss

But even if we have that loss

We think it was great to have

But then again, it began at a gain

And when that gain was given

That door for opportunity was left empty

And then to be darkened and closed

And then we lose that something

From that door

And then the door is filled again

Not only with loss

But with gain as well.

A Daily Masquerade

Written on 10-28-10

Walks through the door

Down the hallway

To the intersection

To lean on the wall

The bell rings

Everyone goes to separate rooms

Doors close

And then it starts

They put on their masks

Similar faces

Painted smiles

Same words

Those words form lies

Lies told of and about

Told of them

By them

About them

All created by them

They live and breathe

Oh these wicked lies

Grow and destroy

The smaller and weak

But only one can really hurt

And that is the lie of the mind games

This one has been living and growing

For years on end

And no one can destroy it

It starts off as a rumor

He says this, she says that

Small and ignorant to pain

Then it gets worse

It spreads like wildfire

In a forest of gasoline

Until in explodes

Like the volcano that has

Been built up on this mountain of lies

The burning anger and sadness

Has funneled its way up

Into a red, burning passion

Of hate and misery

But at that point

It’s beyond late

Apologies can’t help

Nor putting a stop to the fire

It has gone to far

Because of them

This soul put down their guard

And believed

And was happy

But because this false sense of security

This person is no longer themselves

They lost their true self

Getting sucked into this

Dark pit of lies

And getting spit back out

As someone else

Looking different

Acting and speaking different

Different is and understatement

They destroyed their life

And didn’t even care

They destroyed without

Even blinking

But what is expected of these

Pitiful, lowlife, miserable people?

Nothing but a masquerade

Of everything being covered

In silk and glow

But if unmasked

Everything is revealed

They are snakes

Only trying to benefit themselves

Same Love, Alternate Ending

Written on 9-21-10

So close, yet so far

Hand in hand

Your arms around my waist

Mine around your neck

As if no one else around

The only sound that could be heard

Was our beating hearts and breathing

As if we were one

One heart, one breath, just one

As we sit there, so close to one another

Eyes looking at one another

There’s a comfort

We were in the understanding grounds

In what this was built upon

Let us start anew; from the beginning

We were sitting close

Talking and trying not to mess up

When one would look up, the other away

Shy, so very shy

And then you asked

If we should try

To stand not alone as two

But together as one

From that stand point we grew

Started with a hug and just getting to know each other

And even then we were both nervous

As our stomachs would sink

And we would become speechless

Just sitting in each other’s company

Then there was our first

We had no idea what we were doing

As our lips touched

While all noise became mute

We leaned away

As if the two children inside

Were playing tease

And then we sat there

Our hearts pounding

To the point where they

Could have broken out of

Our trapping bodies

And into one another’s soul

Just merely children

But not exactly so

It was deeper than that

Like this was supposed to happen

It was the ending of a fairy tale

But for us, it was only the beginning

The next we meet again

We sit there as if nothing happened

And then once again, we kiss

I blush, and you sit there

Your knowing that I was shy

And you held me closer

Pulling me up onto your lap

And holding, just holding

And our hearts beat at a calm rate

It was out of our comfort zones

Your grip loosened

At that moment, I looked up

To see that you were watching me

I was still a child, but you had grown slightly

It was at this moment that you leaned back

Wanting me to get closer

And I did

With you arm around me

And mine laying lightly on your torso

Along with my head

And I fell asleep

You didn’t wake me

You just sat there

Again, just watching me

And then I woke up

To see you still there

I sat up slightly

As did you

And you pull me closer than ever before

But this time I was facing you

I wrapped my legs around you

And we hugged one another

Heartbeats the same

Breathing at a rapid rate

We then looked at one another

You kissed my cheek

As I did to you

I then giggled

Me still being the child

And you were guiding me

At that moment

We became one

One heart, one soul

One… love

It was love

I had started to speak

And then those words came from your lips:

“I love you”

I sat there with a slight smile and looked down

I said “I love you too”

Then we became kids again

But we thought we knew so much

It was our innocence

That made our love into dust

After that point

We had grown so close

And then it happened

You shoved me

Not only bruising me

But my heart as well

I didn’t want to believe it

So I stayed quiet

And waited

But then faith interfered

And I had to move

You wanted to break up

So we did

And once again

We just sat there quiet

Then you stood up

But before you walked out of my life

You picked me up one last time

And we kissed

At that moment, we didn’t lean away

We didn’t want it to end, but it had to

And then we stopped

Tears running down my face

You left as soon as you could

For you were crying too

Our love was forbidden

Everything we did and said

To each other

Wasn't meant to be

Though we were children

And we were new to the adult world

But it felt so real

And at this age things like this aren’t supposed to last

And we are both over each other

At least I am

We will remain friends

Which is what we should have been in the first place

For our love of a fairytale

Came to an end

As the cover closed

And we went on in separate ways.

Mute

Written on 9-14-10

Sitting in water

Cold tempered water

Not changing

Just tapping

*tap* *tap* *tap*

Dripping in this hole

The hole that goes deeper

Deeper than the Earth’s crust

Deeper than life, love and death

Combined at the seam

The seam holding it all

But then it falls apart

Just one loose thread

Just one, destroys it all

One minute there

The next all gone

Everything is woven

Held by every stitch

The stitch that once was life and love

Now flourishes in the mist

This mist is thick and dark

Once entered, hope is lost

To enter this mist with hope of returning

Is nothing but lies within itself

While walking in this darken world

Of spirits new and young

Old and lost

Gone forever

This darkness has taken over

Why, you ask

As you sit in this place of lonesome

Why is there no one to help

All hell has broken out

Loose with flames

The lies that were told to you

The lies you told to everyone

Then, everyone is a lie

Including you

Yes, you.

A lie and nothing else

There really is nothing to it

As you sit here in the cold water

You realize that life itself is a lie

One forever changing lie

When death toll life

But life minus ‘f’ is lie

And rearrange and subtract the ’d’

Death is just truly hate

And now sitting in this cold wet down

Of water in this path

A curved door above closes

And now in a box

But not a box, but a coffin

And not cold water, but tears

This is not a depression for the deceased

But the sadness of a death

For the dark is mourn

And the lost are just sad

For this funeral is not just for thee

But for the willing dead.

And as the coffin goes into the hole

Which is truly another world

A piece of fabric is thrown underway

And lay in the muddy, gruesome sole

The edges are frayed

And it’s all ripped to shreds

But with that said

Everyone is dead, really.

Everyone has this square of cloth

Everyone has had it throw on them

But now, who is it in this hole

The living, or the dead?

Frostbitten

Written on 9-6-10

The snow grips to the earth

As a sickened child grips to life

And covers the once green grass

To freeze it over until the light of day

Returns to give its warmth

White, all white

Some grays, pale blues

But all white

As I walk this faithless day,

There is nothing to see

Two feet ahead, nor two feet back

The gloom sets in

As the grays, pale blues, and whites set in

There is a jewel of red

This red is blood

And forward on there is a hand

In the falling snow

But not of the living lust

They are gone, lifeless

Ended in pure misery

I dig in snow and slush to find

A mere child, dead in the streets

Murdered in this frozen day

A knife to the spine

To be left paralyzed

In a gutter

Scared to her last breath

Unable to move, or even see

A tragedy at its line

The fallen had nothing

Nothing to truly say they lived

So young, such a precious life

Each stitch unraveled at the seam

Her blood lay around her

As if a bold aura

To say the heart was done

Every muscle, every thought

Was gone and forever lost

Only she knew her pain and suffering

Only she knew

So as I sit in the snow

Next to this body

I wonder why

Why did this happen?

Why did no one here her screams?

Or did they hear

And decide nothing was the answer

How cruel this world has become

To leave a child to die alone

Her last remembrance of this world

Was the snow she laid face-down in

Through her clear blue eyes

Lays the darkness

Her eyelids lay shut

Hands laying out

Legs slightly bent

Neck on an angle

While her head is in a pillow of snow

And her body is left frostbitten.